Reflection

Posted On June 5, 2013

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I posted something about this on Facebook as well, but I wanted to write a little more about it here, as well.  I felt so limited by Facebook and like I couldn’t say what was really on my mind. 

grandma1
Today would have been my grandmother’s 85th birthday.  She passed away in April of 2012. 

I had lost touch with her that last few years.  I had lost touch with a lot of people that last few years.  I allowed my life to get in the way of what was important – family.

I have cousins who have children the same age as my own that they will never know. I have cousins that I was very close to growing up that I haven’t spoken to in about half of my life. I’m going to be 32 this year. That’s a long time to let words go unspoken. And yet, I cannot figure out how to bridge the gap that has grown into a huge chasm. I cannot figure or how to nine forward.

I started to write this post on my tablet, and decided to move to the computer to make it a little easier, though nothing about this is easy. I fully expect the tears to flow freely by the time I am done.

I am surrounded every day by people who love and care for me. I have a wonderful, loving husband and three beautiful children, two of whom I worry that I can never spend enough time with, as their time is shared between here and their other home.

But yet, even with being surrounded by people who love and care for me as they do, I still feel as though there is a part of me that is missing.

I should be able to be happy. While my family had to say goodbye to a lot of people this year, the loss of my grandmother pictured above in April, and then the loss of my grandfather, James O’Neill, my mother’s father whom I regrettably do not have a photo of, but we also had moments of celebration. I became an aunt.

Jamie

That little girl fills me with hope for the future. Her parents are young, but they are well equipped to provide for her and they are surrounded by friends and family who will help and support and love them in whatever life may throw their way. And that is the way it should be.

And yet, I still feel like a piece of my heart is missing. Many years ago, a gap formed within my family that has since seemingly grown to be as large as the Grand Canyon and no matter what I try to do, I cannot find the way to bridge it.

As children, we sit idly by and allow life to happen around us, never owning it or taking control of the destiny, the course that is laid out before us. We are guided and loved and protected by those who are charged with caring for us. And as we grow, we gain the strength and confidence to stand on our own, to stand tall and proud and be able to allow life to continue on.

Too much time has passed. I realize that now. I realize this because, now I am an adult and I feel the weight of this divisiveness resting squarely on my shoulders. How do I move forward without looking back? Honestly, I have no idea.

With the loss of my grandmother last year, I realized that it had been too long and I needed to do something. This became evident in the manner in which I found out that she had passed on. I hadn’t even known she was ill. It was one cousin who was brave enough to cross the chasm and reach out, and they did so knowing that there was a strong possibility that others would disapprove, but they felt it was the right thing to do.

Then, I had a health scare. I was at a gym and began having some intense chest pains that were abated after a while after the exercise was ceased. I went to the doctor. Turns out, I have a mild heart defect. Eventually, I will need to have valve replacement surgery. This is a scary prospect, as my father was around my age when he had his first heart attack. And let’s talk about my father’s health. He is in his early 50s and has had at least a triple bypass, has had to have one kidney removed, has had multiple heart catheterizations and stents placed. This man has survived cancer, twice. He has beaten the odds every step of the way.

We never know when our time is going to be up. I decided I could not let another year go by without trying very hard to right whatever had gone wrong.

And some were receptive. Some responded right away, and others took time and we are still building the relationship that we lost when I was a very young child.

And others, well others have not been receptive and will not even respond telling me to go away. They just ignore my efforts. I need to learn that I cannot control the actions of others. That I have done my best, and that I have to let it go and move forward, but I cannot figure out how.

Photo_00001It is in looking at my youngest child that some of these things sting the most. You see the little girl in that photo? She is 2-1/2. She has a lot of health issues, conditions that are most likely genetic, though due to the circumstances, I am not able to find out a lot about family history with our extended family and if I could, it might answer a lot of questions. I have honestly been told that knowing the history with my cousins and their children would possibly shed light on what we are really dealing with with her and what the best course of action would be, but unfortunately, that information is just outside of my reach. The neurologist suspects something in the realm of autism and a mild cerebral palsy, caused by a genetic factor, but because the family history is lost, she will have to undergo painful genetic testing to find out and it will delay diagnosis and treatment.

But the reality for me is this. Life is too short. I need to reach out where I can. Do I give up and try to move on, knowing that I did the best I could, but always feeling like if it was good enough, the distance I feel in my heart would be healed? Or do I keep trying, keep getting pushed away, and keep feeling my heart break into a million pieces every time?

I don’t know. I don’t know all of the answers. I don’t know what it is my heart needs to heal, to move forward. I wish we lived in a perfect world and family knew how to let go of the past and move on, but I realize now that too much time has passed. I realize that the anger, the distrust, and the unhappiness has been allowed to breed for too long to allow that to happen.

I can only hope that in the end, they know that I love them, and that I miss them, and I wish I knew how to set things right. For some of these things, in the case of my cousins, the battle was not even ours. We shouldn’t let it effect us, but some just don’t know anything else. There is nothing more I can do.

See, I knew the tears would flow freely by the time I finished this, and they are. Luckily, I have some tissues at hand to stem the flow.

And in writing this all out, I can begin to heal. My childhood is long gone and I am an adult. It is time for me to be the change I wish to see. I will live my life to the fullest every day, never knowing when it will be the last. I will reach out and connect where I am able and allowed, and perhaps the rest will come in time.

IF you have ever been a part of my life, or touched me in any way, know that I will never forget and I love you all very much. For anyone I have lost touch with over the years, friends, family or otherwise, I am right here.

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No, I have not fallen off of the face of the earth

Posted On May 28, 2013

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It’s true, swear to the heavens that it is true.

I have been…Busy.

Life is hectic. My youngest has had some rather tough health challenges that we have had to deal with as of late, wit being diagnosed with a form of Autism and a mild cerebral palsy. She is 2 and it hurts my heart to watch her struggle, but I know that everything happens for a reason.

There is some…drama going on in my life in other matters that I must not discuss publicly, but ya’ll know how that is, and it wears me out sometimes but I am not ever going to give up.

I am…very sick this week..have been for 10 days now and it is driving me out of my mind. I have this weird sore throat/bronchitis/sinus thing happening. Totally making me crazy. It needs to go away, like yesterday, but I fear by the end of the week I will have to relent and go to the emergency room for some antibiotics. I will try not to cry about it.

I know I have been remiss in posting here, but I am going to try to do better. I have been writing..a lot, but not enough all at the same time.

But for the news. A couple weeks ago, I finished a short story that is going to be published in an Indie YA Paranormal anthology. More details will be forthcoming as soon as I get them.

Well, I am going to hop out of here for now folks. This being sick thing really takes a lot out of you. I will try to check in more often from now one.

Hey folks, I am still alive, I promise.

Posted On February 25, 2013

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I wanted to stop by and write a quick note. I am still alive and kicking and things have just been crazy hectic in my life lately.  I have a lot of irons in the fire and, some days, it feels a little overwhelming.  I am working as an IC for a transcription company.  I have my book promotion and editing company (http://bwrtours.net) and we have had a few clients so far.  We have done 3 or 4 book tours and are currently under contract for an editing project as we speak that is due to complete in just a couple of weeks, with the author already thinking about signing us for his next book as well.  

And then, I taught myself to crochet.  I have made about a dozen things, ranging from a medium-sized throw blanket for my son’s bed to hats, scarves, fingerless gloves, potholders, and a market bag and a tote bag.  I made a hat that looks like a panda, complete with ears.  I made a hat that looks like a Pokeball!  I also made myself a case for my crochet hooks, and I am having lots of fun with it.  I am toying with setting up an etsy store to sell some of my things, but I have no idea how to price some of them at this point, so it is just a thought process.

Writing has kind of been put on hold, until things calm down.  

We are dealing with a new crop of health problems with my 2 year old.  She has an eye doctor appointment set up, soon to be followed by referrals for physical therapy and a neurologist.  It is more than just the seizures now, but a lot of clumsiness.  She has been falling a lot.  She has hurt herself a few times, and now they are finally listening.  

 

I will check in again soon, but for now, I better get back to the grind.

Quick and easy way to turn time online into holiday shopping money!

Posted On November 21, 2012

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I recently found a new website, called InstaGC, thanks to my younger brother. There are quick and easy tasks for earning points which can be turned into gift cards for many retailers. Some tasks are as simple as watching videos and the minimum payouts are very low. 100 points will get you $1 to spend on amazon! You really should check it out and see for yourself. Definitely worth the time. In less than 24 hours, I am already up over 200 points, so it is easy to accumulate points.

Click on this link complete offers and it should take you to a landing page to sign up!

Posted On November 8, 2012

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 <a id=”rc-d2470c0″ href=”http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/d2470c0/&#8221; rel=”nofollow”>a Rafflecopter giveaway</a> <script src=”//d12vno17mo87cx.cloudfront.net/embed/rafl/cptr.js”></script>

Host Signup Incentive Contest

Posted On October 8, 2012

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Posted On August 27, 2012

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breeanaputtroff

I am going to make enemies writing this post, but I have decided that I don’t care.  This topic has been on my mind lately, as there has been an excessive amount of drama going on between authors (mostly of the Indie variety) and reviewers (mostly of the book-loving, honest variety).

I’m usually the type to stay out of most of it (though if you know me in certain arenas, you know I’ll speak my piece about it). But there are some things that I just need to say sometimes, even if my life would be easier if I didn’t.

Today on Facebook, several of the writers I’ve liked or followed over time have been sharing a picture titled something about supporting your favorite author.

I’m fine with that up to a point.  I shared a picture a week or two ago with general suggestions on how to support indie…

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Can I Really Pen the Next Great American Novel?

Posted On August 27, 2012

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So, for those of you who know me, you know I have always been a writer.  I may not have ever been a very good one, but I was always found with pen in hand at any given time, always carried a notebook around, and if I was not writing, my nose was in someone else’s book.  It is just such a huge part of who I am that it never seemed strange or unusual.  People would often ask me what was wrong if I didn’t have some form of the written word in my hand.

With the rise of technology, I tried my hand at doing so electronically.  I tried typing it out in Word.  I tried using several different writing software platforms.  You know what?  None of that works for me.  The realization hit me yesterday that technology is precisely my problem.  I have to go back to my roots.  

Thanks to this year’s generous school supply sales at the beginning of the school year, I have a stack of composition notebooks in the corner of the living room.  I went and grabbed one out last night as I was struck with yet another brilliant character idea.  All I really know about her so far is that she is 17 years old, lives in an area that was hit with major devastation in 2005, and that she has always felt like she was on the outside looking in on her own life.  Pretty basic and generic stuff right?  Somehow, I know this is going to turn into a fantasy novel, which is odd to me because I have never really written fantasy.  Most of my story ideas up until this point have been coming of age, overcoming obstacles and surviving adversity, real sob story meant to be a lifetime movie kind of stuff.  

And most of my story ideas fall apart and go into a junk drawer after about 7 or 8 pages.

But it would seem that none of the above apply this time.  I grabbed out my trusty college-ruled marble composition notebook.  I sat down to write, and the words flowed from my pen.  I cannot guarantee that any of it will make a danged bit of sense, or that it will even ever get published, and chances are it will be rewritten at least a half a dozen times before any of the rest of the world will ever see it but we shall see where it will end up and I will keep going with it.  Who knows, maybe one day, we will see my name on the New York Times Best Seller List and I will have finally arrived.

And So Begins a New Scouting Year

Posted On August 19, 2012

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I am sitting here this evening after having spent the better part of the afternoon planning the next several weeks of scouting.  I realize that my young man is growing up.  We are first year Webelos this year.  As I sit here and look through some of my resources, I realize that the program has changed so drastically from where we started out in first grade.

We started out as Tigers and learned the necessary things to earn a Bobcat badge.  Then the adventures began as we had some  mother-son bonding over the activities in the Tiger den, learning and exploring new things and visiting new places.

Then, we became Wolves.  As Wolves, we learned even more exciting things and embarked on new adventures, furthering along the Cub Scout Trail.

Then, we progressed to Bears, where we learned about safety and responsibility with working with tools, learned what it is like to build something with our own hands.  We learned about using a knife safely and earned our Whittlin’ Chip, thus showing that we knew how to safely handle this very useful tool.

Now, we are about to embark on the journey as Webelos, and there are so many great adventures before us. There will be a lot more adventure and activity, and a lot less hand holding by mom.  We are growing up.  I will watch my son blossom into an amazing young man as he learns the values of Scouting and begins his journey to Boy Scouts and the coveted Eagle Scout rank.  Yes, it begins here.  Webelos will instill the independence and values that will lead to a productive young man who may be proud to call himself a Scout, and even more so, a citizen of the world and a wonderful human being.

I am probably just as excited as the boys of my den are for the coming year, but at the same time, it makes me sad.  Another year and a half, and they will move on beyond the realm of Cubs, leaving behind a time where Ms. Lisa was their trusted friend and confidant.  They will gain new wings and learn to fly and I can be proud to say that I helped them along the way.

About a year and a half from now, I will watch these young men cross over into Boy Scouts and I am sure that tears will be shed.

But you know what, after the journey these boys and I have had, I will have earned every one of those tears.

A Moment of Reflection

Posted On June 30, 2012

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You know, I find myself laughing at myself this afternoon.  Those of you who have followed me for a while may remember my original blog, and the name it had.  My very first blog outside of Myspace was headed with the moniker “Sanity is Overrated.”  I was very young when I started that one, in my early 20s.  Yet today, I am amused at how prophetic that has been.

We have all been in situations, I am sure, where things change in our lives and something you may say to someone today may differ widely from something you said to someone six months ago.  I will freely and readily admit that things seem to change very frequently, and since I try to be as open and honest as possible,  a lot of times, the changes can end up being very public.

I have learned something about myself.  I have to be more conscious of what I am saying and how I am saying it.  I will never be perfect.  I am the way that the controller of the universe wanted me to be, and there is a reason for everything.

Who I am at times is an extremely socially awkward young woman who does not possess the ability to be intentionally dishonest.  I also do not possess the ability to be as tactful as I should be, although this is something I am working on and is a lot better than it was even six months ago.

People around me have seen the growth and the changes within me and that means a lot to me.  Every day is a step on the journey to becoming the woman I want to be, but that is between me and the God that I choose to believe in.  I have always considered myself an open book and I probably share too much with those I choose to have around me, and I do need to work on that now.  I shall add that to my list of character flaws that I need to address.

Please, and this goes out to everyone, if you feel as though something I have said recently contradicts something I had said in the past, please contact me.  I would love to clear the air so that you understand why things may seem inconsistent or dishonest.

I try to be as kind as possible whenever possible and I try very hard to live the life I would like my children to emulate.  I am not perfect, far from it, but I now know who I am, what I need and want to accomplish, and what roads I need to take to get there.  I am who I am for a reason.  Warts, scars, and ugly moles notwithstanding.

My health issues are a daily component in my life, and sometimes I get so wrapped up in that that other things fall by the wayside, but I am trying and improving with that on a daily basis.  I do not feel that I will ever “arrive.”  Life is a journey with no real end.  It is all a learning process.  It is what we do with the lessons we are given that is the true measure of a man (or woman).  With that, I shall bid you all good day.  I have a home I need to help straighten up, as I contributed to the mess it is in right now, and then I am going to spend some time with my children and try to get some relaxation in so that I can start my day over again.  I have gotten far too little sleep and have far too much in front of me to accomplish in this 24 hours.

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