When Everything Changes, Everything Changes.

Posted On June 23, 2012

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I find myself in a period of transition.  I have had to face a lot of hard truths over the last several months to become the person I need to be.  I am still not completely there yet, but I am on the way.  Many things have changed.  I have changed.  I am not the woman I was even six months ago.  I do not know yet how things will progress, but I do know that God has a plan for me and I am probably right where I need to be, even if where I am right now sucks and is painful and it hurts.

I am trying not to allow myself to view the present as a failure.  I know that there are a lot of things I have done wrong and could have done better, and I also know that there are a lot of things that I still need to work on and change.  I am trying.  Every day is a new challenge that takes me closer to the place where I want and need to be.

I am trying to become a better woman.  I want to be a better wife, a better mother to my children.  I want to be the mom that they can be proud of, even if it means that I am not there for them all right now.

I need to learn that I cannot let my environment change who I am.  I need to be me regardless of my surroundings.  I had played the chameleon for so long that I got lost in the shuffle, and that is not the right thing.  That is not what is best for me OR for those around me, and I am the only one who can change it.

It is time to start over.  Time to find the real me and let her live and breathe and give her room to grow.  That means stepping out of my comfort zone, being around people, and allowing them to know who I really am.

Who am I?  I am a proud young woman with three beautiful children who are the sun and moon in my universe.  I have a wonderful husband who may have wanted to give up on me many times, but he stood by my side and we have walked this journey together.  Things are rocky right now for us, but you are still my world and I love you more with each and every passing day, and I need to make sure that you know that.

My health is..not where it needs to be.  I am trying to improve that.  In the literal sense, my heart is weak and too much has been piled upon it.  I need to learn balance and boundaries, two areas that are not my strong suit, but need to be done.

I need to learn that there is a difference between being kind and generous and being a doormat.  I have been a door mat for far too long and it is time for that to change.  To quote a friend, I need to grow a pair of brass ovaries and stand up for myself and what I believe in every once in a while, and tell everyone else to kiss my butt.

A friend of mine always says that it should be God first, Family second, and everyone else can take a number.

When I asked what defined family in that scenario, I was told that the top priority was my children and my husband.  Something to contemplate and consider there.

After all, who is it that is always going to be there for me, no matter what happens in my life?  I really still do not even know the answer to that question, and that is something I need to look inside myself to find.

There are very few things in life that I know with any certainty, but one is that today is all I have, and tomorrow may never come.  There is nothing I can do about what has already happened, except to try to mend the bridges I may have burned and try to move forward.  If those around me are not receptive to my attempts at reconciliation, then I must move on.  I cannot make anyone change how they feel or how they view me.

I also am fully aware that actions speak louder than words.  Meaning, I can say that I have changed and that I am working toward a better tomorrow and trying to become a better person, but if I say all of that and do not change any of the actions, then the words are meaningless.  People need to SEE that I am actively making an effort to become a better person and that I am displaying that in my day to day life.  That one falls all on me, as it should.

I have come to accept that my health is not what I would like it to be.  This means I have to take medications and vitamins and things that my body is lacking in order to make myself healthier.  My diet has to improve.  I need to get more active, but at the same time I need to stay within the restrictions that my physicians have set for me.  This means that I can not do the things I could 15 or even 10 years ago. That is something I have to accept and move on.  I have to mourn the loss of my physical abilities and accept that I need to learn to do things differently.  That is very hard for me but it is not something that I can change.

But my shoulders are broad and my head is held high.  I can and will be the person that I am intended to be.  It will not happen overnight, and I cannot determine what will happen tomorrow, but for today, I am trying.  I think that that is the best any of us can ask for.

Now, what does all of this random rambling mean?  I really do not yet know.  Those of you that follow along know that I write what is in my head at the time, and though I may not know where it comes from, it is always exactly what I need at the time.  I have experienced love and support from some of the most likely sources.  Conversely, I have been frequently shunned by the ones I thought would be the source of unconditional love.  Life is a learning experience.

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