Life in general

Posted On March 3, 2012

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There comes a time when we all realize and learn what is important, and what is really just a silly thing that should not alter the world around you.  Some people learn this faster than others.

Those of us who have learned this lesson have done so by facing difficulties and overcoming them, surviving seemingly in spite of the world around us. We have learned quickly what the term “friend” really means, and that some people are actually more family than friend, anyway.

I have realized along the way that the people I can really count on can be counted on one hand.  Aside from my husband, I am not sure that I have anyone the term “best friend” can be applied to right now, thought there are maybe 1 or 2 people who could be close.  

For those of you who don’t know me that well, or have not been privvy to the details of the difficult time I have faced lately, well, I won’t be getting into the details of that here, either, so you can either be grateful, or I will apologize.  Just suffice it to say life has been a bit …hectic…lately.  There are just a lot of things going on personally, and then health wise as well, and I just have had a lot going on.

Sometimes it is hard for me to find where to draw the line with what I will and will not allow to happen in my life.  Because I do realize that no one can make me feel anything I don’t allow.  I really should learn to not let people rent space in my head.  But apparently, I suck at that, and I make insignificant things seem way too important sometimes.  And yep, that is entirely my fault.  I will own that one and be a grown up about it. 

It is not very often that I get to feel like I matter to the people outside of my immediate family, and I relish those moments because they are rare.  I get my hopes up easily, and get very attached to an idea of something to come.  I forget that life happens and everything can change in the blink of an eye.  

Times when someone counts on me for something, without being my husband or my children, are even fewer and far between.  Apparently, I have created a life where people feel as though they cannot count on me, and that is painful, and it hurts deep in a place that cannot be seen, and the pain cannot be quantified.

Yet, I allow myself to be there.  No one else should be able to make me feel insignificant, and yet I alllow it.  I let the world and the people around me dictate how I feel, rather than letting how I feel and my values and what is important to me dictate the people who are around me, which is what I should be doing.

My priorities are in the right place, as is my heart.  My family comes first.  It is my place to decide what is best for my family and no one elses.  I know what we need and I take every step necessary to make sure that I am doing absolutely the best I can to make sure that those needs are met to the best of my ability.  

I try very hard not to pass judgment on how others live their lives, yet I feel like I am constantly being judged.  I feel as though, in the eyes of some, nothing I do will ever be right or ever be good enough, and yet, what they think and what they say should not matter.  I know who I am.  I know what I am capable of, and I know what is important and what matters in my life.  

I also know who I can count on, who will be there to help meet my emotional needs, like when I just need to rant and rave at someone for five minutes, or i just need a shoulder to cry on, whether figuratively or literally.  I don’t shed tears often, at least when someone is around to see them, but I do feel. I do have a heart and it is sometimes fragile and breaks easily.  

I also tend to be a very forgiving person, and a few months down the road, what has hurt me now may not matter and I will have been able to move on and get over the things that have made my heart ache, at least so long as things are not compounded and I am not constantly reminded.  

I know that when I put my mind to it, nothing is an insurmountable goal, but I can also be a victim of circumstance.  I have yet to learn to turn water into wine, and I never did possess the “Midas touch,” where I could turn ordinary objects into gold without any smoke and mirrors.  

I get accused of being pessimistic, but that is not it at all.  I do not always see the worst in people and situations, but I am a realist.  I know what simply is and is not possible, and refuse to be caught up in the dramatic curtain call, and assume that sunshine and roses are all there will ever be, because when you think like that, you are destined to be disappointed.  

To those of you who choose to remain around to see where this journey of life is going to take us, great! I hope that there will be many great times along the way.  But if you only want to stay on the roller coaster while it is all fluffy bunnies and happiness, and cry to get off when it hits a scary turn or a big descent, then it is probably best not to climb aboard, because there are no guarantees.  

 

I know a lot of this does not make any sense to anyone, and I am sorry about that, but hey, it is my blog and freedom of speech means that I can say what I want to, that is the whole purpose of a blog.  Saying what you want in your own little corner of the internet.  This is my little oasis.  

 

Now, a word to the real, true friends i have in this life.  Thank you for always being there for me.  Thank you for not ever judging me for the situations i have sometimes ended up in, even if you knew in your heart it was of your own doing.  Thanks for not pointing, laughing, and saying I told you so.  Thank you for being a real and true friend who has always been there for me.  If this applies to you, you will know.  Those that I count as real and true friends have brought tears of happiness to my eyes, and held me up when i needed it, and brought me back to reality when I got too far, but did so gently enough that I didnt feel like i was being reprimanded like a child.  

 

I love you all, and not one person who has played or is playing a role in my life is insignificant.  

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