Is it over yet?


I have found myself crying a lot of tears lately for the events that have occurred around me.  I have seen family and friends struggle through things that no one should ever have to face, and it all seems senseless to me.  Sometimes it seems to me like life is too short, and too many forget about the little things that are really important, and at the same time, lose sight of the big picture.

I am tired of seeing people I care about hurting, and I feel helpless to do anything that will make a difference in their lives now.  I get the strong urge to do SOMETHING, anything, but I feel like I am frozen in time by my circumstances, and nothing I do will be significant enough to effect a change for them.

I struggle with the reality of life, and the restraints that I feel are holding me back.  I have for a long time felt that my true purpose in life was to be here to help others, and yet I feel ineffective in that these last few weeks, and I feel very torn as to the right course of action most of the time.

Because in order to be helpful, you also have to be harmless, and sometimes it is a very fine line to walk to help one, while skating the edges of something that might hurt someone else.  Where is the right answer?  I find myself asking what the universe wants of me, and if there is something I am supposed to learn from all of the tragedy.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  The people living out the tragedies are far more important than the turmoil I am feeling over it, and I am not so self-centered as to think that my “crisis of faith,” if you will, is more important than what others are facing in any way.  I just feel insignificant and very small.

I feel as a child, fully aware, and understanding some things, while lost and confused in others, and like I need to do something, but lacking the direction as to what path to take.

Right now, I feel as though the last several months were the proverbial pink cloud, and it was easy to keep to my chosen life path when things were happy and going along as planned, so to speak.  Now, I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, emotionally and spiritually.  Nothing makes sense anymore.

How can life be so…fragmented?  It is too much.  I feel very overwhelmed, and I am not even in the center of things.  My heart hurts for those around me, and all I can seem to do is cry for them.  And then, I am overwhelmed with the fact that if I can feel emotions this strongly on the outside, I cannot even begin to fathom how it feels in the middle.  Life just seems cruel and unfair.

I had to write.  That is my release.  I feel selfish in talking with anyone about the feelings I have in light of everything so many others face, and so I use this virtual notebook of mine to get my head clear and to check my emotions, and find some kind of a release.  I am trying not to dwell on the tugging I feel at my heart and soul, and trying to move forward and do the most good possible, but I am just not sure how anymore.

For now, I suppose that all I can do is hold on and wait and see where this journey is going to take me.  I am just stuck on the rocks in the road right now, and I know that in time, I will see where this is supposed to lead me.  This crisis of faith will pass, and I will know what the purpose is in time, I suppose.  Hopefully, it will not remain this dark forever.

Goodnight, for now my friends, and thank you for “listening” to me today.  I hope life finds you all well, and that you can remember to hold on tight to your loved ones, because we really only have them for a short time, and anything can happen.

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