>Where am I going

Posted On February 22, 2008

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>I spend a lot of my time wondering what the purpose in all of this is. I seem to constantly be running in circles and don’t know where I am going.

In every endeavor I enter into, I try to put in 110% always. But it seems with some efforts, the harder I try, the worse things are. I dont understand this, and I dont know why this is the way things are. It just is.

Some days, I wonder if the gods are trying to tell me something. I wonder what the purpose for all of this is, and I just cant seem to find it. I find myself staring out the window, watching all of life around me happening, and wonder why I am still just sitting still.

I need to find my way back to where I want my life to be, but I am just not sure how. This has been a rough several weeks for my family, both with the issues I have had to face, as well as others in my family. I am trying to recenter and refocus, but it is easier said than done.

I have to figure out why I have the need to beat my head against a wall. If anyone has any suggestions at all, it would be greaty appreciated.

I do not know what I expected to accomplish, but it sure as hell was not this. This is not the direction I expected things to go in, and I feel…underestimated. I feel as though no one expects me to do anything but fail, so why would they see anything else but.

I have wasted way too much time and energy trying to prove people wrong, but no matter what I do, they will never see it. They will make their comments and see what they see, but one day I wont be there for them to step on anymore. There are only so many times you can crush someones spirits and their hope, before they walk away and leave you hanging there looking for a new victim.

I know there will always be people like this, but that does not make it feel any better. that DOES NOT validate anything in my mind at all.

I expect very few of you to know what I am talking about. But those of you that do, I am sure you will understand. I needed something in my life right now, something to hang on to, and this was it, but now I know that it was a wasted effort. I am too emotional and should never have put myself in this position. Dont get me wrong, I will finish what I started, but I dont know that I can do this again. Not with the vulnerable state my emotions have been in these days. When my “mental health” improves, perhaps, it will be a different story.

I love you all and hope you understand that I am doing the best that I can here. I dont know what the difference is from place to place, and I dont know why I start to feel the way I do every time I walk in the door, but I am wondering if maybe it isnt time to hang up the hat for a while and go back to my cave. The outside world just doesnt seem to work so well for me.

Those of you who read this and feel concerned, dont be. I will be alright. There is just this deep stinging in my heart that doesnt want to go away right now, and I need to try to address that, and find out a way to fill this void inside.

I am outta here for now, but I will see you all again soon.

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