>What Does it all mean?

Posted On November 18, 2007

Filed under Afraid, Insanity, Insight, Reflective, Sad, Thoughtful

Comments Dropped one response

>Very often lately, I find myself wondering what all of this crap means, and where it is going to take me.

I am 26 years old, and a single mother. I have been alone for 2 years now, and every time I meet somebody, all they are looking for is sex, and I am looking for the relationship that goes with it. Sorry boys, the casual thing without the relationship, it just does not work for me. I need more than that. I need someone to hold me, to talk with me, and to share the good and bad with me.

But I am starting to realize that this is just not going to happen for me. I am tired of sitting home alone every night while all of my friends have someone. I am tired of sitting in my own home and having the fact that I am alone and seemingly no one else is blatantly in my face. I am just tired.

I dont want to look back on my life 50 years from now and realize that no one cared, and that I am going to die miserable and alone. But it feels like that is the direction I am heading in. Why is that?

What is there about me that makes me so unlovable? What is wrong with me that makes every other woman out there so much better?

Do you know what the greatest irony in the world is? Two years ago, I was a bit on the heavy side (okay, I was borderline fat.) I had been depressed. My husband had left me and the only thing i had to comfort me was food. Couldnt find anyone to love me then. Now, I busted my ass, exercised, ate right, and lost the weight. Now I can’t get a man because I am thin. What the FUCK? How in the hell does that shit work?

I never really was big on what my physical appearance was, nor that of anyone else. I believe that what people look like on the outside is not an accurate reflection of who they are on the inside. I am not shallow or materialistic. I dont care about looks or money or anything else. None of that really matters.

I cut my hair short because it is what is comfortable for me. People make all kinds of assumptions about it that just are not even close to the truth. I might grow it out again, and I might not. I might leave it the natural color (brown) or I might dye it. Who knows. I have always looked good as a redhead. But that is for me to decide.

I have never really cared about what other people think, but maybe I should have. I have always tried to just be me, and take me or leave me. But look how well that has worked for me so far.

I don’t know. It is Saturday night and I am home working. I could have gone out, but.
1. I need the money, so i need to work when i have the chance.
2. I just am not sure my heart could handle another night of seeing everyone having someone but me. It is just too much.

So, what is wrong with me anyway. What makes me so unloveable that men see me and run in the other direction as quick as they can? Am I that hideous looking? Am I that horrible a person that no one wants to even try to get to know me? I must have done something totally horrible in a past life to have been afforded the fate I now face.

I guess i am just in a depressed, self-loathing state and putting all of this down on virtual paper will really accomplish nothing but wasting 20 minutes I should have spent earning a living. But who knows…Do I even care anymore? not sure.

i will be okay, but it sure would be nice to be okay with, for a change.


One Response to “>What Does it all mean?”

  1. Kelly

    >Screw relationships. They’re for the birds. All relationships are, is work. Work and more work, for little pay off. Usually the pay off is heart break. Stress, Drama, somebody always wanting something from you, expecting you to explain yourself, holding you back, and treating you like crap. I hope I’m single for the rest of my life

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