>Recap

Posted On August 26, 2006

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>Okay so the following is a copy of things posted on another site that i thought i would include here.

Subject Over the junior high drama and it is time to move on.
Posted Date: Tuesday, August 22, 2006 – 2:40 PM

While I understand that this is a public forum, I do not believe that people have the right to use this as a means of harassing and threatening others.  This is a forum for people to speak their minds, but that should not be at the expense of others. 

 

I also dont think that people should pass judgment when they either dont know the whole story or dont know how to mind their own business and just feel as though they have to be in the middle of everything. 

 

I am of the opinion that if you want to have your opinions respected, you need to respect the opinions and feelings of others. 

 

I was taught that respect was something that had to be earned.  Being disrespectful of other peoples feelings and ideas, and making threatening, harassing comments is not the way to earn my respect.  You also DO NOT want to threaten my family.  My family is my life.  Dont fuck with it. 

 

There are things going on in my life right now that I may not necessarily be pleased with, but I am working toward a solution to those situations.  And that is my business, not yours.  Unless I come to you specifically and ask your opinion, stay out of it. 

 

Do not use my forum to display asinine, self-centered, egotistical behavior.  It will not be tolerated.  Although I am sure that this has already made itself evident as I have proven that I will delete flame-type posts. 

 

As far as my current situation is concerned, I will continue to follow my heart and my gut instinct.  I am making use of some resources tomorrow to hopefully gain some guidance and direction in what to do next and where to go from here.  I do not know what the outcome of such will be. 

 

I also managed to have an almost pleasant conversation today with the other party involved in my current situation.  Maybe there is a way that we can reach some kind of arrangement without this getting too ugly. 

 

I still think it is in the best interest of the children for us to work this out civilly.  I think a long, drawn out fight will be more harmful to them than good.  No possible arrangement is going to make everyone happy, but perhaps we can come close to getting what we think is right.  I dont know. 

 

I dont entirely even know where to go from here. 

To those of you who feel the need to post nasty responses here, think before you type.  Think about what the response to said will be, and what possible repercussions it may carry.  Then decide whether to comment or not.  The tongue is a double edged sword, and now in the electronic age, so is the keyboard.  If, after careful consideration, you still feel the need to comment, perhaps it would be best done privately, at least partly for your own sake. 

 

You see, I have been calm and reserved up until this point when it came to what people had to say.  But that ends here.  Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one, and most of them stink.  But if you are going to be an asshole about what you have to say, you can go to hell.  I will not, and I mean absolutely will not tolerate harassment in this or any form.  I will not tolerate verbal abuse from any one.  I will not sit quietly while people who dont know the whole story run their mouth and talk a lot of shit when they dont know shit to begin with.  In short, if you have a problem with me, take it up with me directly.  Dont just come on here and post like a frigging pussy and hide behind the protection of your computer.  Grow a pair of balls and say something to my face rather than acting all junior high and leaving it on myspace. 

 

There is undoubtedly at least one of you who will be egotistical enough to think this is directed at you.  Dont flatter yourself.  You are not that important.  This is just mostly random, somewhat angry thoughts that are in my head and have been for quite some time, even before the most recent flame war that took place.  I am ashamed of my participation in said.  I cannot believe that I stooped to the level that I did and gave the satisfaction of responding to the bullshit that appeared on my screen.  I should know better and have had more restraint and self control. 

 

After all, I am an adult.  I am not a child.  I do not entertain childish thoughts and ideas, and I do not participate in childish behaviors.  Some of you out there do, or are, that is cool.  That is your game, but not mine. 

 

There are two people who are my first priority.  And I am relatively certain neither of them read MySpace, as neither of them yet has the ability to read.  Well one can, but not very well and really doesnt know how to use the internet yet either. 

 

As for anyone elses feelings, if I hurt them I am sorry, but I am about to start to live my life for the first time in a long time.  Recently I realize that I was in a mere state of existence.  I refuse to live like that anymore.  It is time for me to regain control of my life instead of letting my emotions run the show. 

 

Some of you may not recognize me by the time this transformation is over.  There are others that may not like it, as I will no longer be a doormat that people can wipe their feet on.  Tough shit.  You will all get over it eventually, and if not, oh well.  You are not my concern.  As I have stated to someone else recently regarding their own position in things, ironically the other party in this current situation, those that truly are my friends and truly love me will stand by me regardless.  If not, they were not true friends and this is as good a time as any to weed out the riffraff. 

 

There is one person who has always stood by me regardless of anything, and for this I thank him, I think he will know who he is.  He has stood by me even when I thought he was going to give up on me.  Thanks for always being there for me, and I hope I get to return the favor. 

 

This is not the only person who has offered their support.  There is at least one other, but I will not say anything more specifically to protect that persons identity and not drag them into a situation that they dont need to be dragged into.  I am hoping this person will read this and know who they are.  If so, Thank you so much for allowing me to vent and being there for me to have an ear.  Thank you for letting me cry when I needed to, and telling me to be strong at other times.  Whatever life may throw your way, I will always be grateful and if you ever need me, you know where to find me. 

 

For now, I think I have said enough.  There are some people who need to grow up, and when they do they will be better off.    

 

To my friends and family, I love you and hopefully I will write more again soon, perhaps from a better frame of mind.  But time will tell. 


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Subject <SIGH>
Posted Date: Wednesday, August 02, 2006 – 12:22 AM

lots of things happening this week.  Matts birthday was yesterday.  i got to call and say happy birthday but that was it.  then was gonna try and go see the kids tomorrow but i gotta work and their fathers girlfriend has a doctors appointment.  so my little tiny window i would have had is gone.  Party is saturday though.  i will actually get to see my children for a little while….and…haha….guess who isnt gonna be there…least not till later.

one or two people i am hoping show up to keep me sane.  but i they cant make it i will understand. 

really wishing i had a car though because by the time this is all over i am going to NEED to go out and do SOMETHING…and no one lives close enough for me to just ride with them kinda thing.  major sucks

work is going alright though.  gonna end up with 36 hours this week,,,im sposed to get forty…but…i guess..only first week…3 to 11 the rest of this week then off sat…grrrr

there have been a few changes in my life that i would prefer not to discuss publicly..lets just say … ive decided that there were a few aspects of my life that needed to change for my sanity to hold up…i miss my children very much…i wish i could be with them.  maybe in time i can be.  Maybe the bar against me doing that will realize that what is being done is more harmful to those children than anything…not holding my breath though…anyway…if anyone reads this message me.  i am leaving for work at 2 and could use all the friends i can get right now.  if anyone is willing to talk, send me a message


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Subject who knows
Posted Date: Sunday, July 09, 2006 – 1:32 AM

I feel as though I am just floating through wondering where my life is going.  Some very unexpected things have happened in my life in the last month.  I guess you could say I am sort of transient right now.  Where I am staying kind of varies by day.  I get to see my precious little angels about once a week.  I wish it was more, but right now it is the best i can get due to transportation, finances, et cetera. 

My car decided it was time to teach me some kind of lesson yesterday.  It just died.  Alternater doesnt seem to be charging the batery and i think it is because the serpentine belt is not making a proper connection.  seems to be a bit loose. 

I have lived for a little while in this constant state of confusion and I am not sure how to correct it.  There are a few people with opinions but……I dont know if i can do what they are telling me to do. 

I dont know.  I am tired, and hungry and got this headache thing happening, so i think i am gonna just flake off for a while..

Will get on here again as time permits and the opportunities arise.  Love to all of you who have been there for me and helped me through this time.  I am sure you all know who you are and i appreciate all you have done for me. 


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Subject lost in the real world
Posted Date: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 – 7:58 AM

Ive had a lot of things floating in my head lately…maybe this will make sense

_________

Heart beating, soul breathing

Strange that i cant breathe

Life gone insane and yet

part of me feels free

Emptiness i thought none could fill,

and yet now i just dont know

Maybe life has come full circle, or

maybe there is something more.

Words inside my head that cant break free

My heart stuck and wont let me just be

dont know where im going

hardly know where i have been

but this time i will do things right,

i wont fall back again

_________

There have been things that have happened in my life lately that make me smile, there have been things that scare the shit out of me.. some do both. 

I miss my kids.  I dont know what is happening anymore.  i feel dejected and lost without them.  I am not even sure how to breathe somedays anymore. 

 

and then there is this other thing….

I have some things i feel as though i should say and yet i dont know how.  There is lifes biggest catch 22 because no one can read my mind to know what i am thinking and feeling.  maybe i can get my thoughts organized and put it down on virtual paper….

1.   Sometimes we completely miss what we are looking for in life because it was right in front of our eyes. 

2.  Happiness is a state of mind that requires work.  If we want something, we have to be willing to put in the effort. 

3.  Never underestimate the power of a smile.  Sometimes smiling even when you dont want to can change your entire outlook.  And sometimes a smile from someone else can change everything. 

4.  Never give up on what you want. 

5. Having someone else in your life is not necessary, but it sure is nice to have someone to laugh with, cry with, and just be. 

6.  Dont go through life without people knowing how you feel.  (this is the one i need to work on the most)…you never know when you will run out of time to tell them. 

 

Sometimes it is the silly things in life that trip me up.  And all i want is a friend who is there without saying a word, where i dont have to say a word, and suddenly everything seems okay.  Even without them knowing what the situation.  Who knows, maybe if i step back, and close my eyes, i will realize that it is already there, and i just have to see it.  But again, i cant expect people to read my mind, and i cant expect people to know what is in my head without me, as a friend put it, growing a pair of balls, and telling them. 

There are people in my life who have me totally pissed off and on the verge of screaming, hitting something, or both.  There are other people in my life who can change my outlook without saying a word, but by just being.  It occurs to me that the latter may not realize that they have had that impact on me/…maybe i need to find a way to change that.  Maybe i need to stop being afraid.  maybe it isnt about the reaction, but the action itself.  sometimes if i just quit being afraid and do what i think i need to…i would be surprised at how things turn out. 

But i am afraid.  and i am worried about reactions, and i just desperately want to feel.  To have someone just hold me.  To be told that things really will just be okay.  To feel as though life will go on, and that it wont be like this forever. 

I am almost 25 years old.  I feel, i see, and i cry.  I have fears that maybe other people dont understand.  My biggest fear is going through life alone and not having someone to grow old with.  does anyone else feel that way? or am i the only one.  but i cant be. 

Maybe what i need is right in front of me…maybe i still need to look.  but usually when you stop looking, you realize it was there all along, and it just took u a little while to see it. 

___________

Subject Fear driven and emotional
Posted Date: Thursday, July 27, 2006 – 3:01 PM

I should warn you all, this may be long, and it is definitely one of those wierd, kinda emotional ones.  There are also some points where i may be a bit vague, and forgive the ambiguity.  I am doing that so as not to be to specific, out of fear that specifics could lead to embarrassment. 

 

Ya know, I am lousy at telling people how i feel, and i always have been.  I have lost out on a lot of things because of it.  And i mean, all of my life. 

I have things in my head that i dont know how to say, and i dont even know where to begin.  And i wont get into it all here in any detail really because that is just kinda tacky and junior high-ish.  The things in my head are things that should be said face to face, but i cant seem to find the courage, and i am too afraid.   The one time i told myseslf, “okay, i am going to just do it”  i couldnt find the opportunity.

The biggest fear i have is that now, since i have waited so long to say these things, it may be too late. 

how do you get past the fears and insecurities and just tell someone “this is how i feel”? how do you keep your heart from jumping up into your throat and trying to strangle you every time you try?

do you take a chance and risk ruining what already exists on a maybe? or do you keep the thoughts inside your head and never breathe them to a soul because you are a complete chickenshit?

these are the things that i am struggling with right now.  my greatest fear in life is being alone.  my second is rejection.  and the two go hand in hand.  sometimes i think it is the latter that is going to curse me into living out the former. 

sometimes i am a bright, beaming, happy and caring person.  Others i am a ball of nerves that cant seem to get past my low self esteem and insecurities. 

These things cause me to lose things.  And i fear this is going on in my life now. 

how many times am i going to keep my thoughts and feelings bottled and watch opportunities dissapear from my life before i realize that i need to open up and stop being afraid?  Or am i doomed to be miserable and alone forever?

i have realized recently that i have let many opportunities pass that could have cost me dearly.  Dont know if i will ever know the ramifications of my hesitation. 

i am afraid.  i have always been afraid.  im afraid i am going to say too much here and it will blow up in my face because i will look like a coward, or be too obvious, or, hell i dont freakin know. 

I wake up each morning with these thoughts and feelings on my heart and mind, and i go to bed each night with them there as well.  I dont sleep well anymore because part of me (a big part) thinks i blew it.  my inability to voice it caused the opportunity to go away. 

Sometimes when i feel the way i do, i tend to act the opposite way, again, the fear telling me that it is pointless to even try.  And the biggest downside is that it sends the wrong message, i push people, places and things away when i should be pulling them closer. 

and the worst of it is that there is someone who has done a lot for me and i dont know if they know it.  Maybe they dont realize that it was anything, because sometimes it is silly little things that make me feel better, make me happy in difficult times.   and of course, thanks to my pile of fears i call my brain…keeps me from saying this to them.   i hope they can realize everything they have done and how much it has meant. 

it occurs to me that i have always been so careful on how i worded things because i didnt know who was reading.  and perhaps that is what i am doing again, but this time for different reasons and referring to different people. 

 

Maybe none of this will make any sense to any of you, and maybe it will make too much sense. 

my deepest, innermost thoughts haunt me, and now i hear my brain saying, “you idiot.  You blew it.  how could you not recognize and not act on what was right in front of you.”

My brain is in overdrive and i fear i may have said too much already.  I am going to close with something that, in my mind, is risky to say depending on who is reading.  Remember that even just a hug and an “itll be okay” at a difficult time can absolutely change someones life. 

 

PS   Also, i see all the numbers every time i post that show how many times my blog has been read.  So now i am curious who all the people reading are.  If ya happen to read, drop me a note, or leave a comment, or something.  Feel free to comment, offer advice, give an opinion, et cetera.  i could use all the imput and stuff on this one that i can get. 


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Subject the journey continues
Posted Date: Sunday, June 04, 2006 – 2:03 AM

Just wanted to post a quick update on me and the kids for those of you who are interested. 

We are managing, despite the many obstacles that life has put before us.  It is just me and the two kids now, and we are living in this public housing-type place.  It isnt the greatest neighborhood, but the rent is what we can handle, so i am grateful for that. 

Caitlin Nikole is now a full pound over her birth weight, and is doing relatively well.  She is allergic to damn near everything, and they have had to change her formula three times.  Thank God for WIC because the stuff she is on now is 27 f—ing dollars a can!!!

We are getting foodstamps, which helps.  Too bad ya cant get diapers on foodstamps, cus then i would be set!!! 

Daddy is actually starting to take a more active part in his daughters life.  Both kids go there on Saturdays, then Caitlin comes home on Sunday and Matt stays till Monday.  I dont want her to miss out on having her dad just because we couldnt make things work out. 

I am gonna keep this one short because i have a lot to do today, but i will write again soon.  For those of you interested, I do have time on my prepaid cell, 3233277…

Hope u are all well, and i will talk to you soon!

 

 

Subject And the Journey Begins
Posted Date: Saturday, May 06, 2006 – 1:47 AM

Okay so little Caitlin Nikole is now 5 days old.  She is fast asleep right behind me, and looking very very peaceful.  No evidence whatsoever of the evening we had last night where she only slept fifteen minutes at a time.  It has been so long that i forgot about that part.  She is starting to eat better though now, and is just the most beautiful little girl i have ever seen.  Hopefully i can get some pictures up soon. 

We are at my moms for the weekend.  Not entirely sure what will happen come monday, since we can only stay here until then.  I have a couple of things i can check into monday morning, but until then, i sit and wonder.  If i believed in prayer, now would be the time i guess. 

Took her to see her daddy yesterday.  He really hasnt been able to spend too much time with her due to some reason or another, but when he does, he gets that proud dad look in his eye, and you can tell that, even if by voice alone, she knows that that is her daddy. 

I wish things could be different, and i could make the perfect life for my children.  Mattie isnt even with me right now, and that is killing me.  I miss him so much.  I dont want him to think that i sent him away because of the baby.  It is just that because of where i am right now, there is no way he can be with me.  Hopefully soon, we can all be together.  well, me and my kids anyway.  i know we cant ALL be together.  i have stopped thinking that is a possibility and i know better now. 

i know that it is for the best, but it is still hard.  I want my children to know that their father and i both love them very much.  I dont want them to miss out on anything just because i made a lot of mistakes and made it so that we cant all be a family.  i dunno maybe this is just a touch of hormones making me be a little more emotional than usual. 

 

Anyway, i have to go clean out our old apartment and put everything we own into a storage unit until i have us someplace to put our things.  hopefully it wont be too long cus storage is expensive. 

love ya all and hope to talk to you soon.  bye for now

Subject i blame her father
Posted Date: Friday, February 10, 2006 – 2:27 PM

Okay, so I am now convinced that what they say is right and Boys are easier. I spent the entire evening in the hospital because of a stupid dizzy spell and cramping. 

Then

they try to give me heart failure and tell me that they think i have an amniotic fluid leak. Then they say maybe i dont.  What the frig is that anyway?!?!?!?

Then over the course of two hours i have four contractions.  Then i find out when i am leaving (cus they dont know whats wrong with me…it was holmes..big surprise)  i find out that the ultrasound tech was saying there may have been a very very small amniotic leak and an issue with my cervix…so lisa gets to go to the doc monday and probably be told bedrest and that we are gonna hafta schedule a C-section. 

And yesterday i found out that they are not going to renew my lease which is up less than a month before my due date.  So i get to deal with bedrest, moving and all that fun bullshit!!

I blame her father…by the way it was confirmed pretty much beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is…in fact…a girl…if ya didnt catch that from the subject line…

But i have to give steve credit.  he did show up at the hospital when i called him and told him there was a problem.  it took him a little while to get there because he had to wait on a ride cus he didnt have his car…but he showed up there …and he didnt even leave the room to go outside and have a cig…

 

but so yah…it was a fn day…i was gonna go up to kelleys tonight and hang out but that so did not happen..i suppose that is all well and good…i get to get some much needed rest this weekend since i have to pretty much sit on my butt..mattie is spending the weekend at daddys..but that was the plan before all this..

 

i will keep anyone who is interested posted on whats going on…signing off for now and going to bed…

Subject trying to begin again
Posted Date: Saturday, February 11, 2006 – 4:31 PM

a heart beating, a soul breathing, yearning to be free.

A woman in the shadows

suddenly out in the sunlight.

Not knowing what to see

She closes her eyes and takes a breath

Reaches out her hand

She holds on tight and jumps off the ledge

That protected her for so long

No longer feeling like she was on the edge

Maybe she CAN be strong.

Still unsure, yet unafraid

Trying out a new life.

Testing the waters and staying sane

She knows she has to try

—————————

Okay, so here is the downside to having this weekend to myself and being able to just do whatever.  I have all of this time on my hands to think

I spent the evening surrounded by friends, even though i probably should have stayed home in bed for helth reasons.  But tonght somehow i felt stronger than i have in a while, both physically and emotionally.  I havent cried today, which is a first in a long time.  I think i cried enough yesterday for a lifetime. 

Maybe it took a very serious, potentially life threatening(for both of us) moment to get me to be able to be me again. The hardest part has been finding out who that is. 

Yesterday scared me to death.  And i know the stress i have put myself under lately probably contributed to the problems i am having now.  For anyone out of the loop, here is the recap:

i am now i guess osrt of a single mother of one and a half.  Yesterday the little one to be decided to give everyone who already loves her the biggest scare ever.  Something seemingly minor earned me a trip to the hospital, where they thought i was starting to go into labor, essentially, with them fearing an amniotic fluid leak and contractions..at only 24 weeks fo pregnancy.  at that stage..survival of the baby is possible…but very very difficult and requiring a lot of supportive medical care for a long time, with probable lasting medical problems. 

Going by what i was told by her daddy could be seen on the ultrasound…there appears there could be a very slight leak, but high and could seal itself off.  They were also talking about some potential problem with the cervix which may very well earn me bedrest and a C-section.  i go to the doc monday to find out what we are really dealing with and where we go from here. 

I found out this week that they are not going to renew my lease here, and my lease is up on 04/31.  Potentially really bad time to have to move, but i may have found us a new place already i gotta go talk to the people this week. 

Money is tight right now but we seem to be getting by okay for the most part.  we go without some little things sometimes but so far we will manage.  I think things will get better once we get settled into a routine a little better, but i dont know

 

And that is the bottom line.  i dont know what the future will hold for us, and maybe that is not as scary as i used to think it was.  I have started therapy.  I have a script for any antidepressant that may help me even out a little bit.  i hate medication because it puts me on this roller coaster that sometimes is hard to handle on the best of days.  but i have to do what is best for myself, and for my kids.  i cannot worry so much about what others are going to think about what i am doing.  i know that when it comes down to it, there are certain people i can count on if i need them. Those of u know who you are. 

For now i am gonna hold on tight and hope for the best.  prayer is a rough area for me because of some issues i hold against the Greater Being out there for stupid shit that has happened.  trying to have faith amid the storm is a hard thing for me, but i am trying.  and that is all i can do.  i thank those of you who read these rants and rambles and give me your support. 

It helps being around people.  that is why i had to get out tonight even though i know i might have done better for my health to stay home.  the downside is when i go up there i smoke way more than i should.  but i did okay and nothing happened.  no one had to rush me to the hospital and i didnt get sick or anything at all.  i know not to take that as a false sense of security that i can go back to normal and do whatever i want.  i am gonna take it easy as best i can and try to reduce the stress in my life a little bit.  i am going to try very hard to make things work in my life, no matter what that may mean. 

 

For anyone interested, my new # is 321 574 0758…call if ya want.  i could use all the friends and support i can get right now.  the roller coaster is about to get real bumpy and will probably threaten to derail at least a couple times.  but i know with the love and support of my friends i can get through anything. 

Thank you all for loving me and sometimes holding my hand and telling me it would be okay.  that has meant more to me through all of this than you may ever realize. 

i am gonna go listen to the docs now and go to bed and rest.  i know that is what i need cus i can feel the day starting to wear on me.  remember that i love u all, and if the tables ever turn, i will be there for you just as you have been for me. 

Subject the road less travelled
Posted Date: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 – 11:17 PM

Lately i have had a line from a famous robert frost poem stuck in my head….

two roads diverged in the wood and i, i took the one less traveled by.

 

That has been the story of my life. i really never have made the popular decision just because that is what everyone else has done.  i have always done what i thought was the best choice for me.  It may not have always been the right choice, but it was what felt like the best option at the time

and life has a funny way of working out ..in the end nothing turns out the way you thought it would at the start.  i am now a single mom and hating every minute of it.  there are some choices i have made that others do not agree with, like the fact that i would do anything i could to save my marriage.  others tell me that i should just move on and not allow him to come back into my life….but that is what my hearts deepest desire is, for my family to be back together again.  i know it probably wont happen, but that does not make me want it any less. 

 

i dunno this is gonna be a short rant today i am tired, and cranky, and i have a massive tooth ache that wont quit and i dont know if i can do anything bout it.  i cant seem to get an appointment with a dentist that takes my insurance for a few weeks and i am dying in miserable pain.  i think i may go and take a nap for a while. 

Subject emptiness
Posted Date: Sunday, January 29, 2006 – 10:56 AM

There is a darkness in my heart that will never see the light.  There is an emptiness inside of me thats lost the will to fight.  I dont know where i am going and i dont know where i have been.  i have been lost for so long i dont know where to begin. 

In loneliness i say and do things that ill always regret.  In my heart i know that all there is left for me is to do my best to forget. 

But how do you make a heart forget its deepest strongest desires.  and how to you move on with a life youve destroyed. 

—————–

Take these words for what you want.  View this however you feel appropriate.  i dont know what they are supposed to mean myself.  i dont know what i am feeling besides empty and alone.  I finally realize that i am an unlovable person.  i take everything and everyone who has ever meant anything to me and do everything possible to destroy it.  i dont know why.  i dont know how to stop it.  i dont know what is wrong with me or why i do and say and act the way i do.  how do i move on? how do i find peace and direction when my heart is in a million pieces?  no one can make that go away.  no one can erase that feeling. 

there is absolutely no way to set right the mistakes of my past.  there is no way to fix the damage i have done. and yet i cant accept that. 

how am i going to explain to my two precious angels that it is all my fault that they will never have the life they deserve.  how can i explain to the littlest one that she will never really know her father because her mother is an idiot. 

And a time in a womans life that is usually the happiest, seeing her newborn child for the first time, will be the darkest moment i have yet faced in my life.  it is then that i will really know that i have ruined the life of someone who hasnt even had the chance to live yet.  i have made it impossible for her to ever have the things she deserves the most and has every right to.  having her father be there for her. 

how do i make my son understand that his daddy still loves him but because of his mother…his father will never be there when he wakes up in the morning, excpet maybe every other weekend…

 

and why am i even writing all of this, what do i expect to accomplish except making everyone think that i am talking about offing myself or doing something equally stupid.  i better just shut up and go to bed or something..maybe i can actually dream again someday. i havent been able to do that for a long time either. 

Subject confusion
Posted Date: Tuesday, January 17, 2006 – 2:55 PM

I will never understand why things happen the way they do.  I will never understand why some people can feel some things that others either just cant feel, or are able to ignore. 

I dont understand why things are so easy for some, and yet so difficult for others.  why life happens the way it does is a mystery that, though i may try for a million years, i will never be able to grasp. 

The way i feel right now, i am not even sure words exist to explain.  I know what i am capable of in this state, and that frightens me.  nothing physically harmful in any way…but empotionally.  i just dont know. 

how can it be so easy to walk away.  how can someone throw away a big chunk of their life…how can they not even turn back..how can they just stop caring

i will never understand what there is about me that drives people away.  somehow, for some reason i may never understand, i destroy everything i love and care about, and everything that means anything to me

what is it abuot me that makes me unlovable?  why cant i just believe that things can be good and not expect things to go to shit? 

Yes, in answer to your question i am depressed.  Not extreme to the point of doing anything stupid, but depressed nonetheless.  i feel empty and alone and i dont think anything can fill the hole that exists in my heart, my life, and my soul.  maybe not even the one thing i want more than anything right now. 

So how do i move forward? what is the next step? what is the answer to why? will i ever know?

Probably not, but i have to find a way to keep going.  i have to find a new reason to keep my feet on the ground.  i have to somehow recenter and refocus and begin to live my life. 

My life.  that seems like such  a strange concept.  i cant remember when i have ever done things for me…without there being some other motivating factor, or someone in my life that kept pushing me to do things. 

i dont even know what i want to do with my life anymore.  every goal i have ever had has been based on the opinion of others, based on what others thought was best for me, or based on what people told me they thought i would be good at. 

Therapy? yeah, can definitely see the need for that, but dont know how to open up to anyone.  i have serious trust issues.  mostly with men, but with other women too.  sometimes it seems like everyone is my enemy.  i fear everyone and everything some days, and then other days i know that i am fine and i just need to talk myself out of the insanity. 

writing helps, but only when i have someone to share it with, who can offer me input on my thoughts.  Does anyone even read these things.  I look at the number of views on this little piece of my soul…how many of them could actually just be me, looking back and thinking, why did i say that so publicly 

i am not a public person. i was raised on the premise that my dirty laundry needed to be kept quiet. if there is a problem, pretend that it doesnt exist so people dont know who you really are and dont know that things arent picture perfect. 

i dont make friends easily.  i dont know how.  i dont know how to walk up to a total stranger and start a conversation.  dont even know how to begin.  too shy.  too afraid of rejection.  too afraid of being vulnerable.  just too me i guess. 

i am alone…and i am afraid.  even in a croded room i feel alone. 

 

i dont know i have ranted on long enough and probably said way too much..going to try and sit quietly now

Subject unknown
Posted Date: Wednesday, December 14, 2005 – 5:02 AM

silence yet unheard of, a yearning deep within.  a new life yet unlived, waiting to begin.  Trying hard to face the truth, and yet unanswered prayers.  does anyone know the way, is there anyone who cares?

Looking out into the unknown at the world that surrounds you.  anxiety deep within has grown, and you dont know what to do.  Close your eyes and face this world that seems so cold and cruel.  Close yuor eyes and face the truth without knowing what that is

Life can be so cold and lifeless, and you dont know where to go.  Life can be an empty place, with room to do nothing but grow.  They say that pain is necessary for growth and they tell me i will survive.  I would be happy for a little bit of hope, and to make it out alive

Subject today
Posted Date: Friday, December 16, 2005 – 7:04 AM

Yeah its me again, that wierd one who keeps writing all this strange stuff.  It has been kind of an odd week.  I dont know igues si just got alot floating in my head.  Trying to quit smoking so i am not always the most pleasant person in the world.  and i am also failing miserably at this quitting thing.  note to all of you non-smokers out there.  When ya smoke for a while. it just is not that easy to quit, so if ya got friends who smoke…dont ride their ass about quitting it aint as easy as it looks. 

 

I am tired and beaten and broken down from an emotionally and physically exhausting week that leaves me somewhere i am not even sure of. 
I am just a little confused, well a lot confused…i dont know…right now i think what i need is just to have friends around me and not be all alone.  that is my greatest fear is being alone.  when it is dark out and i am here alone i keep the door locked and hide from the world.  just me..my insecurities.  my fears, and my self consciousness. 

 

but for now i am gonna go play with my boy…he has had a rough week too…been sick and also dealing with mommy’s emotions.  we will get by tho….he boun ces back pretty quick…today he asked for a snake…he saw them in the pet store this afternoon and is all he has talked about since was the “nakeses” lol

I am seriously not buying a 200 pet snake for a kid who cant even take care of a lego block dog…lol

 

anyway no more ranting for now..gonna go play legos and watch tv for a bit…after dinner we will take a bath and then mom is gonna take a much deserved nap while she waits for the phone to start ringing for all the errands i have to run…

Subject Everything changes
Posted Date: Monday, January 16, 2006 – 2:06 PM
Okay so myspace has me pissed cus I posted this earlier and they ate it!!!!! This past week or so has been one of the strangest of my life…I have moments where I don’t know where I am going or what I am doing. I am so lost in the confusion that I don’t even know where to begin. I used to think that I knew where my life was going. I knew what I wanted out of life. I thought I had finally found my place. I thought I had found a bit of hope and happiness within the insanity that is everywhere around me. But then, everything changes. I mean, how many more curveballs can life throw at me before I forget to move out of the way? Where is all of this going to lead, and what can possibly be gained? I am 24 years old and am now facing more confusion than I have ever seen before. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to turn. I thought I had everything. I thought I knew what to expect and where to go. But ya take things for granted and you forget that it is the little things that count. Some days it is all I can do to pray for the day to end, so that I can try to start over tomorrow. Other days I just pray for the day to end, or wish it never started. To go back in time. To erase the past. But I can never do this. I can never undo what is already done. I cannot change what has already ended. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want it, it just doesn’t happen. I have a beautiful little boy who is my prince, nearly 2 and a half now. And another precious angel, a girl(we think) on the way. And for those of you who know my current situation, well yeah. I cannot dwell in the past. I must try to move on from here, but how. Reality is my enemy, and dreams my only friend. But I don’t know how to dream anymore. I am not sure where to begin, and don’t know if I want to try. I have to face the truth and realize that this is where I am, and this is the life I have created. I must take responsibility for what is real and true and in front of me. I must look toward the future and build a life for my children, even if that means doing it alone. I must try. I am all they have. Life can be beautiful and yet so cruel at the same time. The gods and goddesses give us a ray of lite, only to dash it away. A brand new life to enter the world in what seems like such a short time, on the heels of the end of an old one. And so it is with me. A precious new baby, coinciding somewhat with the end of my life as I knew it. And everything changes.

Subject hard to say
Posted Date: Monday, December 12, 2005 – 10:16 PM

Sitting here in quiet contemplation, i look at my life gone by.  I close my eyes and try to see, and try not to question why.  I sit here day by day, nothing seems to change.  My routine remains the same, and everything so strange.  I dont know where i am going.  i dont know where i have been.  I dont know what else to do, and i dont know where to begin. 

I close my eyes and try to see all the days gone by.  I close my eyes and try to know the reasons that i cry.  I wish that i had all the answers, and could go and make things right.  I wish i had a way of knowing, and escaping the lonely night. 

But this is where i am right now, and this is who i will be.  This is the destiny i have known, that has been laid out for me.  There is no other way to explain it, and there just is no answer to why.  I just have to keep on going and i cannot ask why. 

This is the life i must live today, and this is the road i must take.  A hard lesson learned about using great caution in the choices that we make.

So i sit here now and close my eyes.  I know better than to ask why.  The powers out there have chosen me.  Maybe someday the reasons they will let me see. 

Subject there is
Posted Date: Saturday, December 10, 2005 – 6:59 AM

there is an empty place in my heart .  it is a place nothing can fill.  there is a soul inside of me no one can set free.  there is something i must live with, and that something is me.  there is a feeling i must feel that i cannot escape.  there is a place that i must live and it can never be erased.  my heart will ache, my sould will bleed.  i dont think i can be set free. 

this is who i am.  this is the life ive made.  this is the soul inside of me who drives everyone away.  nothing helps .  no heart can heal the damage mine has felt.  pen and paper used to ease the pain, but now nothing can help.  this loneliness inside of meonly one can ease.  but i cannot cry, i cannot beg, no matter how bad i dream

Subject AAARRRGGGHHH
Posted Date: Thursday, May 19, 2005 – 2:09 PM
Just sitting here thinking that life is a royal pain in the butt….Anyone agree???

Subject What is reality???
Posted Date: Monday, July 25, 2005 – 12:54 PM

Reality is one of those funky words that, like, no one really knows the meaning of.  I mean, what the hell!!

Everyone has a different definition of the word.  To me, it is living in today and doing the next thing in front of me. It is about not wanting things we dont have and not thinking the world owes us anything.  It is about living life, day by day, and being real.  Being true to ourselves. 

What i hate is people who think that life is supposed to be handed to them.  I used to think that way, and then i grew up and woke up. 

I mean, this is who i am.  If people dont like it, too damn bad.  I do what i need to every day to take care of my family and make sure that their needs are met.  My husband and my son are my number one priority.  And my kid comes first because that is the way it should be.

 

I dunno. I am rambling and ranting cus i am tired as hell and it is late.  Work is screaming at me but i am still sitting here.  Did i mention i procrastinate a lot?  Nah i will tell ya that later. 

Subject Here I Go Again
Posted Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2005 – 1:58 PM

What’s up with people whining and complaining about having a problem, but then when ya offer help, they go “Nah, I’m alright.” 

 

Seriously, if ya were alright, ya wouldnt have been whining about it. 

 

What’s worse is that when ya have a problem yerself, and then ya try to ask fer help, and ya hit brick walls.  What the hell?!?!?!

 

I dunno.  Life is pretty twisted sometimes, but that is life.  Kinda like the Forrest Gump theory….Ya NEVER know what ya are gonna get. 

 

Go figure. 

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